So here's the thing... Am not really in a great disposition at the moment or rather... lately. Something happened/didn't happen/about to happen... I don't know. But all I know is, my emotions are in an all time highs and lows which leaves me physically and literally nauseous all the time as if I've been on a perpetual rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I'm okay with people around me, other times all I wanna do is disappear and just be by myself. I am stressed out all the time, or rather I have a distressed feeling in my heart. It aches so bad at times that I literally cry out in pain. There are days when all I want to do is just lie curled up in my bed and not face the world. It takes me so much energy and effort to pull myself together and put up a brave front that at the end of the long day all I could do is collapse, exhausted and spent.
But then I have to put up this front. I can't let people around me see this. All they see is how exhausted I am and I could easily account for my lack of breaks from work. It's disguised so perfectly that when people ask me why am different I'd just smile tiredly and say, "Sorry, am just tired from work. It's been so stressful".
I lost my appetite that even though I am famished, the moment the food is there within my reach, I'd shy away from it. The situation makes me want to vomit so badly even without anything in my stomach. I go to bed tired and I wake up exhausted with puffy eyes. My sleep is starting to be disturbed. I wake up every 2 hours not knowing why. And I struggle to fall back to sleep because my mind will immediately be flooded with my thoughts and emotions. Nonetheless, I fall back into fitful slumber.
Day in, day out... one day at a time.
I busy myself with work, I ignore it even though it is right under my nose, I act nonchalant like I haven't noticed a thing, I made myself the butt of jokes as I often do, I make others laugh and laugh with them. I have been made the fool, as I have often been. I just wasn't.
I feel like I've let people down with yet another of my failure. Just another one to be lined up among the many failures in my life. For that, am so sorry. I think from now on, let's just not have any expectations. I didn't mean to bring your hopes up as I did mine. It would've been easier if I had just been numb and indifferent from the start. My mistake was to let myself feel. Perhaps I am not meant to feel. And I am so sorry. Truly I am. If not for you, then to myself. I have let myself get hurt... again.
I hide this from my parents, I hide it from Buffy who usually knows everything, I hide it from my friends because I cannot let them see me at my weakest, I most definitely hide it from my work, I'd hide it from myself if I could.
So please, let me be on a hiatus for a while to regroup myself. To lick my wounds and lie to myself enough to convince myself that I am fine.