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Knowing myself more

I have something on my mind which needs to be let out. Okay, generally I would say am a happy person (sheesh this is sounding so familiar). And a lot of people can see me in two ways:

1. A Happy-Go-Lucky joker who makes people all around her laugh out loud with her boisterousness and loudness and silly quips.
2. A serious no nonsense, 'What the hell d'ya want from me?' person who is cold, arrogant and unapproachable.

Now, the thing is I would say that 80 percent of the time I am person number 1. Especially when I am around people - friends, family, that sort. Those who know me can vouch for that. Or those who have seen me at my most relaxed state would say that too.

But there is still a part of me, especially when I get lost in thought or alone that I would be person number 2. This is when I become deep. I hold serious discussions and insights that are almost Dr. Phil-like. It's sometimes scary when I'm like this because this is the face I put on when I am at my workplace or when I deal with somewhat serious situations.

And there are times when I am in state number 2 that I delve deep into my emotions. My sensitive side goes off the charts and I would retreat back into a self-hiatus to gather myself.

This is the part which I am trying to suppress (?). Well, maybe just balance it out so that I don't become a person who I generally would be annoyed with. It's good to be all fun and light but from time to time being serious also plays an important role. The thing is, I am wondering which is really the real me. Am I predominantly person number 1 or am I person number 2??

I recently had a chat with my friends on this. I wanted to find out what is it about me that makes not approachable especially romantically. I can be friends with guys but for some reason we could never move forward to new grounds. Perhaps it's because there's no attraction. But not on my part for sure. I have on several occassions been attracted to my guy friends but they're not into me that way. So, what is a girl to do but to put away her feelings and move on with being nonchalant about it, right?

This is the interesting bit, my friends and my cousin revealed to me that I can be a little uptight. Like I don't let lose enough when I'm around guys. And when I do become myself, I am not dainty. I automatically switch to being one of the guys rather than being a girly girl. Laughing out loud without a care in the world (which I love to do because I don't believe in doing things in a surpressed manner), and generally being loud and boisterous. That is me, being me. So how? When I'm myself, I scare them away. When I act coy, they think I'm flipping them off or arrogant.

Then, Jasper told me that while I am interesting to talk to, I also can go off thinking too much and analysing every single thing. Now I have to train myself to take things for good to avoid from thinking too far ahead. Owh, the confusion rises. I do admit, when I'm in my state of person number 2, I think... a lot. It can happen anywhere and anytime. While driving, while watching tele, while eating, while staring out the window. My dad used to ask me, "what are you thinking?", whenever he catches me staring out the window when I was younger. But it's not all bad to think too much. I become the observer of life. I could give certain insights based on what I have observed around me. So that's a plus point.

What I want to put out here is, how do I balance this out? From being my overly thinking, analysing, serious self, laced in with the Happy-Go-Lucky joker self. Hmm... But what is important is, I have to LOVE myself enough to make me not bother too much about it. I also must learn not to dumb myself down with my friends too. Hmm..


makbed said…
zima garang.. yeyeyey!
Shugabelle said…
Yes, garang cam singa betina. Grrrrr! :D

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