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Melancholy as Company

It's been a while since I felt like being on the edge and feeling out of control. Today, the emotion became overwhelming.

I am a very sensitive, empathetic and emotional person by nature. I react to things very obviously and if I sense a hint of dislike of me from others, my whole confidence system cracks - if it gets too much, it might even crumble altogether. Then I will somehow pick myself up and rebuild me.

And in all my life, I have learnt to suppress some of these things about me. I still have empathy and sensitivity, my emotions I usually guard especially in a professional scene, and I still react to a lot of things, but the difference is I would always put aside me from the situation and ignore the negativity and focused on the flipside. I would even ignore people who dislike me for whatever the reason may be.

However, after months of feeling like I am worth nothing in my Company, today I could not cope anymore. My system is cracking down. I feel worthless, used, looked down on and stripped of my self-respect. I am sitting here, writing in my blog to pour out my grievances and my sadness because I know this is the place where I am not judged. I can be as pathetic and paranoid and insecure as I want to be, and I know that upon reading the entry again later on, I would tell myself to pick up the pieces and get a grip.

I am right now, at my most unhappiest with my work in this Company. To someone big in my Company, I am the constant scapegoat and the epitome of all that is bad. Whatever good I do is actually a fluke because I am a walking disaster in my work.

The thing is, I know I'm not. I know a lot of other people do not see me as trash. I know GOD knows me - from all the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly of me. And I know GOD would not let suffer like this anymore than I have to.

"Ya Allah, I have wronged you in so many ways, but I beg you, please give be sanctuary from this struggle in my life. Please give me the strength to make it through. Please let me be free of this torture. Please let me find a new job soon and I can leave all this behind me. Amin, Amin, Ya Rabbal Al-amin..."


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