Skip to main content

Melancholy as Company

It's been a while since I felt like being on the edge and feeling out of control. Today, the emotion became overwhelming.

I am a very sensitive, empathetic and emotional person by nature. I react to things very obviously and if I sense a hint of dislike of me from others, my whole confidence system cracks - if it gets too much, it might even crumble altogether. Then I will somehow pick myself up and rebuild me.

And in all my life, I have learnt to suppress some of these things about me. I still have empathy and sensitivity, my emotions I usually guard especially in a professional scene, and I still react to a lot of things, but the difference is I would always put aside me from the situation and ignore the negativity and focused on the flipside. I would even ignore people who dislike me for whatever the reason may be.

However, after months of feeling like I am worth nothing in my Company, today I could not cope anymore. My system is cracking down. I feel worthless, used, looked down on and stripped of my self-respect. I am sitting here, writing in my blog to pour out my grievances and my sadness because I know this is the place where I am not judged. I can be as pathetic and paranoid and insecure as I want to be, and I know that upon reading the entry again later on, I would tell myself to pick up the pieces and get a grip.

I am right now, at my most unhappiest with my work in this Company. To someone big in my Company, I am the constant scapegoat and the epitome of all that is bad. Whatever good I do is actually a fluke because I am a walking disaster in my work.

The thing is, I know I'm not. I know a lot of other people do not see me as trash. I know GOD knows me - from all the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly of me. And I know GOD would not let suffer like this anymore than I have to.


"Ya Allah, I have wronged you in so many ways, but I beg you, please give be sanctuary from this struggle in my life. Please give me the strength to make it through. Please let me be free of this torture. Please let me find a new job soon and I can leave all this behind me. Amin, Amin, Ya Rabbal Al-amin..."

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I was Flying Blue with KLM

About two months ago I came back from a magnificent travel experience to the UK and Paris. I fully intend to write all about it as it was my very first solo trip ever! But this post is not about that per se. I plan to break down the solo trip experience so that it will not be too heavy in one posting. 
Anyway, I just wanted to share a little bit about my experience travelling for the first time with KLM Royal Dutch Airlines as they were my chosen carrier to take me on this wonderful journey. 
From the get go, I would say it was not exactly all smooth flowing. My own unfamiliarity and inexperience with them probably contributed to the little bumps along the way but thankfully their customer service team is well trained and equipped to help iron out any hurdles or uncertainties that I faced. 
The booking was unique in its own right. The selection of flight dates, times and class was all standard. Then when it came to payment was when I discovered the first uniqueness, or rather the second …

Getting out of Blogging Retirement - Take 2

I've already had some food in my system, and while it's probably on its way to full digestion now, let's try putting in a half decent blog post.

Like I said, after a long, I believe 2-year hiatus from blogging, I had really thought I would let blogging die a natural death and stop just like that. But as things occur in my life, I find myself itching to write again.
Like today. 
First, during lunch time. 
One of my colleagues, let's call her Kay, told us that Hard Rock Cafe has a pretty good lunch set menu. It comes with a salad, main course and dessert, and a refillable drink for the price of a normal main course. So of course we jumped to it. The moment we got to HRC, it was almost a full house! We were lucky not to have to wait in a queue. Those people probably thought to take advantage of the lunch set too. 
Anyway, there were four main courses offered in the lunch set menu; Chicken Marinara, Chicken Pasta, Hamburger and Grilled Fish. I opted for the Chicken Marina…

Getting out of Blogging Retirement - Take 1

Hello Blogosphere!!
It is I, back from an unintended retirement from the blogging world. Actually, I never did intend to hang my blogging shoes as I did my dancing shoes. But after what seems like (a) lack of time due to work, and (b) lack of inspiration to write about things without sounding like I'm whining (phew... that was a long one), I decided that after a year of hiatus, it is high time to put some thoughts to ... what do you call this?... not paper... blank blog page? Well just type out some thoughts.
Yes.
So here we go. 
Starting now.
Right. Now.
Ok. Any moment now. .

. . . .
Maybe I need to eat first. Haha!