Heralding the New Year

Happy 2012!

Time sure flies when you're having a ball in your life. 2011 was not without sadness, heartaches and tries, but all in all it was generally good to me. Alhamdulillah, Allah decided to let me get through one year to see the coming of yet another year. My hopes for 2012 is that it would continue to be just as good or better for me and everyone I care about as it was in 2011. And should there be any trying moments where it could break us or bring us down, I hope we are given the strength and heart to make it through and get back on the saddle again. That's my wish for this year.

On new year's resolutions, I think it's subjective... We don't need the new year to be resolute on something. It's just a good starting point because it gives us a feeling of new beginnings. So for this year, not that I specifically have a resolution... but I would like to have an overall better, fulfilling life with my family and friends. Have good relations, better health, more wealth, happiness, better spiritual strengths, and perhaps find love along the way.

I hope I find 'you'.

Love, Z

Countdown #5

Right, I know I just posted for countdowns #3 & #4. But since countdown #5 has ended yesterday, I might as well put it in before the memories fade. I am supposedly getting (ahem) older. Haha...

Anyways, Countdown #5 - Good ol' Monday.

After a wonderfully good weekend with mostly myself, it was yet again another start to a brand new work week. Monday, a bluesy bitter one every single time it is associated with work. Heh! The day started out alright. I got ready for work and decided to put on my brand new jacket for work and even though the outfit probably wasn't the most matching, I still thought the jacket would salvage the absence of care in my appearance. You probably don't believe me when I say that I didn't care how I looked at work, or maybe you do. But I tell you how much I didn't care... I did not comb my unruly curly hair at all throughout the day, not a hint of make-up, and half of the day, I was not even wearing proper work shoes. Hah! But some time in the middle, I decided to be a good girl and put on my work shoes.

Did I mention the whole day was crappy too? Oh yes, it was like God wanted me to have a good time but before that could happen, I'd have to undergo a series of crap so that I'd be more grateful. Believe me God, I am. Thank YOU so much for giving me a good end to the Monday.

As the day ended, even though I was super stressed and frustrated, I had another thing to look forward to... my dinner with Pinkstar. We were initially planned to meet tonight but by the powers that be, we somehow shifted the dinner to Monday. It could not have come at a much more opportune moment.

Dinner with Pinkstar is always fun. We'd eat and then talk about anything to catch up and next thing you know, the sugar hits and both of us will be a giggling duo. We'd reminisce, talk about life, work, about our friends and family, food, travels... you guessed it - ANYTHING. Haa... I love friendships that could not have an awkward phase.

And the thing with dinner with Pinkstar is, we'd NEVER realise just how late we'd stayed at the restaurant until suddenly the waiter comes over with the bill... without us asking for it. Haha... I was so pleasantly surprised when she insisted she pay for my dinner in celebration of my birthday. Made me feel like a total douchebag though since I couldn't treat her for her birthday dinner last month when I met up with her. I was in a fix monetary-wise last month. Sorry babes... but the next one will be on me! Hehe...

I went home a happy camper. :)

Countdown #3 & #4

Am sorry my countdown #3 & #4 updates didn't go up according to schedule. I guess I could lump it all up for countdown #5 & #6, which is yesterday and today. But today is still early and I don't know what is in store for today. Soo.... let's just recap my #3 & #4.

Countdown #3 & #4 incidentally fell through on a Saturday and Sunday. Perfect! #2 & #3 kinda got stuck together when I had my wonderful meet up with my Best Friends for Life (BFL), Mae. Friday didn't quite end up as best as I thought it would be at work. I did shed some tears (boohoo) thanks to my great buddy, Stress. But it was quickly dried off in time for me to be with Mae. It was such a great night especially since, she treated me to dinner, gave me a birthday present (which I still think is unnecessary coz having her around is present enough), and we talked for 8 hours straight! I'm pretty sure we would have gone forever if it wasn't for how tired we were. I loved every second of it! Thanks a lot, Mae!!

Which trickled into countdown #3 - Saturday... Needless to say, after that long, fun night with BFL, I gave myself a break... sleeping in! Woke up close to midday simply coz I got hungry as hell. I had no plans whatsoever, except maybe to try go for a replacement dance class. But I made a call to my brother and voila - Lunch! Yumm...

After lunch, I decided to check out the scene at Talent Hub in time for the afternoon class. But as it turns out, my beloved dance instructor was sick! So classes got cancelled. But it wasn't all lost coz I was asked by Mae to be her emcee in her December Malaysian wedding recep. So, I was on a hunt for a dress.

Unfortunately, the dress I'd saw just 2 days before was sold off so I was left empty handed. Aww boo!

So what did I do next? Well, I went walking around in Bangsar and then after a while of walking around aimlessly and purposelessly (hah!), I decided to head on home before it rained yet again. Bought my 1901 hotdogs for dinner and as soon as I got home, the domestic-goddess spirit got triggered when I saw how messy the front driveway of my house was - I started cleaning! Gahh... But I was satisfied that I'd at least got rid of some muck that was making my house unsightly. Yeesh!

The rest of the evening wore on just nicely after that at home, in front of the tele, eating my hotdogs. :)

Countdown #4 - Sunday, I decided to wake up early - to do my laundry! Gaahh... I knew the domestic-goddess spirit hadn't left me as yet. I also had a wedding to get to in the arvo, so waking up early was a good decision. I did my laundry, put in the cooking gas, cleaned the bathroom, cooked brekkie, then just chilled till it was time for me to get ready for the wedding. Met up with Alphatin, Jasper, Cikinot & her new boyfriend at Bella's wedding. It was really nice and Bella looked lovely.

After the wedding, I had an itch to watch a movie. But not just with anyone... I wanted to watch a movie with... myself. Yayy! Off to Subang Parade where I was pretty sure there'd be tickets still at that little new cinema they opened. I watched 'Immortals'! Wahoo! =D

Once the movie was over, I thought of doing a once over browse in search of my dress. All over the mall I went, but the last stop was in Parkson where there's tonnes of brands housed there. Almost gave up too, until I found it. Something not you would normally see me wear but it was perfect! Pretty, vibrant, fun, fresh, and selling at half price. And get this, because it was in Parkson and I had a shopping voucher from there, I only ended up paying a very tiny fraction of the cost of the dress. WONDERFUL!!!

That was just how great my last weekend before my birthday was. I felt so blessed. Alhamdulillah...

On to a good few more days to D-day! :)

Countdown! #1 & #2

It's the 18th of November 2011. I should start a countdown entry. Countdown to what? My birthday, of course! Haha...

I should have started the countdown yesterday so that I'd have exactly 7 days of party and mayhem to report (nah, just kidding). But better now than never at all. :) So I'll just recap yesterday's things and follow on through to the 24th.

Yesterday, 17th November 2011, was a good day. The day before was exceedingly tiring and emotional that I succumbed to it like nobody's business. But things got better as I rested and wrapped my mind around the excitement of my birthday. I can't help it. When it comes to my birthday, I become a kid again. Always loving the fact that no matter how shitty things are, my birthday will always bring my spirits up.

So what happened yesterday?

Well, the fact that I had enough sleep was something to be thankful for, as a start. Then I got a call from my Mom who told me that my niece aced her national primary school exams with flying colours. First, birthday present for me. It's something am so happy about because my sister asked me to give her daughter a pep talk to boost her motivation to go for greatness. Am just thankful that some of the things I did say to her got drilled through to make her work hard for her exams. Alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah... Next would be for her to get through the assessment for entrance to a private residential school.

Later that day, I went over to my optical shop in Bangsar to pick up a very special order. My second birthday present from my beloved parents. I LOVE it!! Not just coz it's exactly what I've been eyeing for, but for them to approve of it and decide to make it my birthday present. I can't wait to wear it at the Breaking Dawn Part 1 premier on the 23rd! I'll post up pictures of it then. Right now, it's still safely tucked away in it's velvety case. *so excited*

And I was feeling so happy right after that that I went over to Dorothy Perkins to check out the sale and did a spontaneous decision to get something there. Weee!!! I'm gonna wear it for work next Friday. Then, when I got home, I got a call from a friend who once upon a time was a little eye candy of mine, which made me even happier. I went to sleep feeling cozy. :)

And what about today?

Today, is extra special. Today I will get another special birthday present. Today, I will see my BEST-FRIEND-FOR-LIFE-WHO-I-LOVE-TO-PIECES... Mae! (I would be jumping up and down now if I wasn't at work). I can't wait to see her. I don't care how today is gonna be at work, I just know I will be spending precious time with Mae who is back here for a very brief period to prepare for her Boxing Day Wedding Reception in December. Yayyy!!!! I'm sure I will be talking to her till I lose my voice. Haaaa...

Gotta save some energy for tonite. Am so excited, I'd burst! :p

Breaking into November 2011

HUNGRY!!! And it so doesn't help that I am looking at food photos on the internet. It's another 12 minutes to lunchtime but am faced with the most challenging question of all... what to have for lunch?

The month of October ended and November is here! Am so excited because I have tonnes of fabulous things lined up for the whole month... well, even if I don't it's still an exciting month.

Things to look forward to this month:

1) Wedding! Not mine, but some friends... And they're not just in KL but also outstation. So there's the possibility of road trips all over Malaysia.

2) Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 movie premier!! I've already secured my tickets through my beloved Twiheart Alphatin and her sidekick (sorry Jasper, you're not it), Cikinot.

3) Mae's homecoming next week!! She's only gonna be back for a week but am definitely gonna snatch her away from her tight and busy schedule, REGARDLESS. I'll tell her mum, granny, brother, hubby, whoever else that dares... "Sorry folks, this is my time with her. All y'all will just have to wait." Mwuahaha!

4) My Birthday!!! Everybody say "Heeyyyyy...!" =D

With regards to the mumbo-jumbo drama I went through about a month ago... well, that's all pretty much water under the bridge. Am so through with it that I have gone from super-emo to super-indifferent. I've decided to be a grown up about it all. What is the point for me to be miss sulky and icy to the fella when he has no clue anyways? It did have an effect on him when I was going through that episode. My little ‘display’ got him worried that he might lose a friend in me. How do I know? Because he actually texted me about it, which ended with us sorting things out to let it just go back to how things were. So, I decided, why put the man in misery any longer than necessary, and just locked away my feelings and threw away the key. Don't worry, he still has no clue and will not have any clues at all. We’re now back to being friends minus the butterflies and awkward yearning and fluttering heartbeats, on my part. I am at peace. J

Know why else I am at peace? Well, in the middle of the situation I got myself into, I had an… epiphany, you could call it. I was driving to work one day, and in the middle of the traffic jam I suddenly realised how much I have grown. It was in the middle of the jam that I faced the fact that I am an adult who is really quite ready to settle down with someone. Without fear or doubt or concerns of what the future would be like, I know in my heart of hearts that should Allah The Almighty make it so that I would meet my truly intended in the next minute, I would not even hesitate to head towards “till death do us part” with him in as long as he wants the same with me. I am ready to spend my life with someone.

I spoke to Alphatin and Makbed about this. I told them how the fear of praying for “The One” has gone away and how it is a welcoming feeling to be this ready. They told me that God would be fair to His followers and He would give to those who 1) is ready, 2) welcomes it, 3) prays for it, and 4) is patient for it. So here I am, ready, welcoming, praying and being extra patient for “The One”, whoever it might be. InsyaAllah… (I still haven’t told my parents yet though! :p)

So that’s the update for the beginning of November 2011. Am making the most out life, no matter what obstacles or challenges I face. J

Resurrection

Hi all,

Being quite literary I have always been a person who relates to lots of lyrics of songs, poetry and books. I find salvage in the underlying meanings and the descriptions of words put together with thought and care. And I find that in almost every situation I go through, there is at least one song that would aptly describe how I feel or how I should overcome or just to cope with things. It can be sad, happy, motivating, silly, fun, holy; just about any type of emotion that ever existed.

While am going through this shite currently, I was jolted awake to get out of this fast. And even though it's only recently that I spoke about this to my bestest friend and confidante in the whole wide world, I know that was already on the road to recovery, thankfully. I still would slip from time to time but am determined to not let it consume me any longer. And the song that is giving me that final boost out of this is Beyonce's "Best Thing I Never Had".

This girl still has fire in her enough to make it through this!

Thanks everyone. :)

Lots of love!

**********************************************************

What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around

There was a time, I thought
That you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy, I must've been out of my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass, and I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So Baby good looking out

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt, boo hoo
Oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
To think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and baby yes, I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby, good looking out

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'll never be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now
I know you want me back
It's time to face the fact
That I'm the one that got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time
Another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I will always be the best thing you never had
Best thing you never had!

Goes around, comes back around
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now

Letter

Heyya...

So here's the thing... Am not really in a great disposition at the moment or rather... lately. Something happened/didn't happen/about to happen... I don't know. But all I know is, my emotions are in an all time highs and lows which leaves me physically and literally nauseous all the time as if I've been on a perpetual rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I'm okay with people around me, other times all I wanna do is disappear and just be by myself. I am stressed out all the time, or rather I have a distressed feeling in my heart. It aches so bad at times that I literally cry out in pain. There are days when all I want to do is just lie curled up in my bed and not face the world. It takes me so much energy and effort to pull myself together and put up a brave front that at the end of the long day all I could do is collapse, exhausted and spent.

But then I have to put up this front. I can't let people around me see this. All they see is how exhausted I am and I could easily account for my lack of breaks from work. It's disguised so perfectly that when people ask me why am different I'd just smile tiredly and say, "Sorry, am just tired from work. It's been so stressful".

I lost my appetite that even though I am famished, the moment the food is there within my reach, I'd shy away from it. The situation makes me want to vomit so badly even without anything in my stomach. I go to bed tired and I wake up exhausted with puffy eyes. My sleep is starting to be disturbed. I wake up every 2 hours not knowing why. And I struggle to fall back to sleep because my mind will immediately be flooded with my thoughts and emotions. Nonetheless, I fall back into fitful slumber.

Day in, day out... one day at a time.

I busy myself with work, I ignore it even though it is right under my nose, I act nonchalant like I haven't noticed a thing, I made myself the butt of jokes as I often do, I make others laugh and laugh with them. I have been made the fool, as I have often been. I just wasn't.

I feel like I've let people down with yet another of my failure. Just another one to be lined up among the many failures in my life. For that, am so sorry. I think from now on, let's just not have any expectations. I didn't mean to bring your hopes up as I did mine. It would've been easier if I had just been numb and indifferent from the start. My mistake was to let myself feel. Perhaps I am not meant to feel. And I am so sorry. Truly I am. If not for you, then to myself. I have let myself get hurt... again.

I hide this from my parents, I hide it from Buffy who usually knows everything, I hide it from my friends because I cannot let them see me at my weakest, I most definitely hide it from my work, I'd hide it from myself if I could.

So please, let me be on a hiatus for a while to regroup myself. To lick my wounds and lie to myself enough to convince myself that I am fine.

Love,

Yours truly